Perspective

Why is it so easy to read books from the library or browse Borders, but so hard to read the books in my own library? What does that say about me? Does that reaveal some deep dark truth about who I am? Am I easily distractable from my goals? Do I subconscienciously look for a way to quit stuff when it gets hard? Or do I look for something more interesting or exciting than what I have?

I thought about that last question for awhile and as silly as it sounds with books I think this has been the state of my life for the past 3 years. I have so many hopes and dreams. Most of them are involving travel of some kind, and the possibility of living in a different country excites me to no end. And yet, here I am, married, now pregnant, settled down, and living in a city that I never thought I would end up in. Boring! So instead of paying attention to the things that God has pointed out to me in this season of life, I'm still out looking and browsing for other possibilities.

On the way back from an amazing gathering of friends in Southampton England, God gave me a beautiful, but convicting picture. There was this beautiful tree, and above the most amazing sky filled with stars that I had never seen before. Right next to the tree was a garden with only a few flowers. The flowers were gorgeous, but the garden was so overgrown with weeds it was starting to choke out the flowers. In that moment I realized what I was looking at. The things in my garden were finances, marriage, family, relationships with people, and jobs. Some of the most basic aspects of life and here I was looking at how overgrown and untended I had left these aspects. All the while I'm trying to pull my dreams down from the sky and plant them only to get frustrated because they keep getting choked out. The tree symbolizes our life and where we get life from. Church, our friendships, Bible study, and our relationship with God.

I have been pondering this a lot lately for the past 4 months. In some ways it has been kind of depressing that we knew why we were moving to Madison for these reasons 2 and a 1/2 years ago. Why did we waste so much time when now we could be moving on to something else? But I know the answer to that. I'm stubborn, and I quit when things get hard so easily. And maybe I needed these 2 and a 1/2 years to actually come to a point where I am starting to get excited to really get in and get my hands dirty. I'm ready to uproot the things that have kept us from growing and from our dreams. And now it's time to tend.

So now, I am back to my own library (instead of the public one), ready to finish what I set out to accomplish, realizing that what we have among us after we dust it off a bit, can be enriching enough than having to look elsewhere for it.

An end of an Era

Well, since my China trip life has been the last hard sprint at the end of the race. We have been busy with work (Mike on his project at work, and both of us working some extra hours to give our fabulous bosses some extra time off to take a much deserved vacation), preparing for another trip, deciding about whether or not to take a job, and trying to figure out what is next for us in life.

As sad as I am to end my time at the Elizabeth House, I'm excited for the possibilities. I'm also realizing how important it is to take times of rest and reflect on where I've come from and where I want to go to and how to transition in between. Not to sound cliche, but it will definitely be good to reflect and pull the good and bad parts of these past two years in Madison and take that with us into this next season. So we'll see where we are after October. Til then...

Chineseisms

The funny thing that I'm learning so far about China is the rules. They have the wackiest rules and you HAVE to follow them. Last night for dinner I almost felt like I was in an episode of Seinfeld. You know the one I'm talking about. We all remember the soup nazi! Me and two other of my team members got a little separated with our group. So we were going to take our dinner outside to go eat with them, which was a good idea because there was no more room in the cafeteria. So we took our food outside, and this little cute 85 pound chinese girl (couldn't have been more than 14) said we had to go upstairs to the room that they prepared for the rest of the people. I said, but it's o.k. We are meeting our group. No, she said. You have to go upstairs. In the mean time there was this line of chinese people formed to continue to direct us upstairs so that we wouldn't break through and eat outside. Hilarious! Then when we got upstairs we only had a short time and then they kicked us out because dinner was closed. We laughed all the way back to our group. You got to love it!

Well, we spend only 2 more full days here and then Wednesday we leave the University and go on to Kunming. We are so excited for that part of the trip. We will be the feature performance of the Lotus festival there for 9 days, and then our band will play 4 gigs at some local nightclubs. I'm starting to get excited to see that city. It's supposed to be very European and touristy among the European culture, so there are many different coffee shops and influences in that city. It's also supposed to be a fairly large city as well, so we'll see when we get there. I will put up some pictures soon!

I'm just excited to be able to have a glass of wine when I get there. I am missing a glass of wine right now....

China 2008

Well I leave today for China. It still hasn't registered that I'm going yet. But at least the good news is, I have gotten over all my sadness of leaving, and have let go some of the fear about it as well, and am actually, maybe, starting to get a little excited. We did our performance here in Madison that we are taking with us, and it is amazing! I'm really excited about the talent this group of people has and the song choice that we have. I think my favorite part is the dancers/mimes that we have. They do two numbers both to coldplay songs. One is square one, where they have this super cool choreographed routine to, and the other is the finale where they have these amazing bamboo rods with Chinese lanterns on them and then run through the audience with red ribbon to the song fix you. It doesn't sound like much here, but it is pretty amazing closing down the house with that ending.

Well, 3 weeks! Let's see what God does...

Into the Desert

So it has been made extremely clear to us that God has released Mike from the China trip, but is continuing to lead me forward into going. This has been the hardest thing, and the most unexpected thing for me. I can't imagine not being with my husband for three weeks! But then I know the words that God has spoken to me about China, and I can't walk away from that, even though it is incredibly scary for me.

In this whole process, God has really been bringing to the surface, how much I depend on Mike for my life. When we are in new places or with new people, I depend on him to navigate us through it. This has been really good for me to see (especially in the middle of those times where I'm frustrated and angry with him, and don't really want to be married) how much I really do need him and depend on him. But it has also made me see areas of my life where I depend on him in ways that I should be depending on God instead, which has brought up a huge trust issue that I realized I have with God.

In going to China on my own I am stepping out of the covering of my husband and really depending on the covering of God. But I admit I haven't really trusted Him to be there for me. Instead I'm angry that I have to do it alone. But God continues to speak to me, and in His absolute love and kindness to me I know why I have to go.

This will be a trip where I think God wants to bring healing to me. Healing from mistrust and doubt of who God is, healing from some of weak areas in my life, and ultimately a complete surrendering of all the things I still want to hold on to and control.

So today God brought the words of Hosea 2:14-20 "But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her out into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt. In that coming day, says the Lord, you will call me my husband, instead of my master. O Israel, I will cause you to forget your images of Baal; even their names will no longer be spoken. At that time I will make a covenant with all the wild animals and the birds and the animals that scurry along the ground so that they will not harm you. I will remove all weapons of war from the land, all swords and bows, so you can live unafraid in pace and safety. I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as Lord."

Thank you God for you incredible promises as I walk down a path that leads me into the desert. Be gentle and kind to me, and have mercy and grace when I fall, and restore the places in my heart that need restoring. It is my prayer and my hope to not only trust you completely with my life, but fall more in love with who you are.

Be Kind Rewind

This is the funniest movie I've seen since Juno! I have to say that I am falling in love with Michael Gondry. I love his quirky sense of humor and the creativity that he incorporates into his movies. It's like a bunch of preschoolers raiding an art supply closet and trying to do the kind of special effects that only Steven Spielberg can do. It' a movie about a guy who is always causing trouble. He ends up erasing all the movies in the store because he gets magnetized. With customers awaiting the short term plan to solve the dilemma is record their own version of the movie. Their version of Ghostbusters was a riot! In the end, it turns out to be a positive story about community, history, and sticking together. This movie is well worth the price, and I think I will watch it again before I have to return it! : )

China 2008

So the past month has been a WHIRLWIND of stuff! I'm just really trying to make sense of it all right now. We have been praying about going to China since January now, and what a road it has been. God really changed my heart to even consider a trip like this and as Mike and I have been praying about it we have really felt God's hand on this whole thing. So we do the support raising thing, which has been rough for everyone because of the economy right now. But even in that, God has provided for all our deadlines in a miraculous way! Confirming over and over again that we should go. So Mike got an opportunity to get a different job during this process. We prayed and felt the peace of God for Mike to pursue it. But the leadership ended up being completely dishonest and because Mike held them accountable to their word that they had given him, he got fired. It's amazing though, because without that situation even happening, he wouldn't have been able to get this new job which is what his dream job would be if he described it in words. So we are very thankful to God, but now he doesn't have paid vacation and we still need a significant amount to be able to even go to China, and we need it in 2 days.

I keep going over and over in my head about this. Did I hear wrong from God? Did I make it up in my head? Are we really not supposed to go? But donations keep coming in! Do we trust that God will open His hand and take a leap of faith, or do stay back because it's logical? It's especially frustrating to figure this out because when we had our first deadline due, all of us on the team had to really pray and ask the hard question if they were really supposed to go or not. We ended up losing three people because the money wasn't there for them. So if God didn't want us to go, why didn't He release us then, instead of having an amazing amount of money come in?

Then I wonder regardless if we are able to go or not, if this battle is just for me. How bad do I want things in life? And when I do want them badly, how much am I really willing to fight for them so much so that I would risk anything for it? Now, I'm not saying that I might risk defaulting a house loan so that my life could be impacted in China. But then again, why not? I know that God is not behind people not paying their bills, but if his beloved sons and daughters are fighting for His will, and taking a huge leap of faith, will He not bless them? Will He not provide for them? If there is continued confirmation of a decision, why not leap? Maybe that's the one thing God wants to do. Maybe that's how He grows trust for His children.

I mean, if God would have continually withheld money from us, and it was really difficult to raise support, that would be a different story. I would say then, we are not meant to go. But if God can change a heart that had no desire whatsoever to go to China, then provide in miraculous ways for her and her husband to go, as well as continue over and over to give words and dreams of confirmations of going, then shouldn't I listen? Shouldn't I take the risk? Shouldn't I have the faith that God is going to do what He says He is going to do?

The performance we are doing is called The Red Thread. It's based on an old Chinese proverb that speaks of how there is a red thread that connects people that are destined to meet. In this performance are the stories of six different characters that have all lost hope of some kind because of their own personal struggles. The red thread is the piece that ties everyone together, because all of us bleed, all of us breathe. We are all different, yet we are all the same, and even greater than us is Jesus. He is the ultimate One with whom we are all connected to. And in that amazing connection there is hope when it seems like there is none, there is life when it seems like death is all around us, there is joy when it feels like nothing but sorrow. It's a story of real people and real life, but speaks of hope, and more than that, of home. We have a very powerful finale where our band plays the Coldplay song Fix You, with a choreography of dancers. I love the lines of that song. Lights will guide you home. What a truth!

If you have been moved at all through my random writings of my internal battle of what God continues to teach me and work in me, please consider making a secure donation to our cause through paypal. Our group is called Platform Productions. We could also use a TON of prayer to see what God wants us to do in this season of our life. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read about what is going on in my life!